"Hello, welcome to life...please check all feelings at the door."~

I received an email this morning from a someone saying they had stopped by my blog and had some questions. It was awesome to hear, but having not even been to my blog in over a year, I felt a bit like some one had just come to the front door while I was dashing for the laundry room wrapped in a towel. My initial instinct was to make apologies for my inadequate blogging frequency and try in some way to convey the justifications of the past 2 years of my life. "Oh, he-he...sorry my mother-in-law died a horrible slow death from cancer." "Uuumm, I've had to move 3 times in the past year..." -"Yeah, I would have love to have written more but I was busy grieving the loss of 2 more babies, one of them an 18 weeker. Sigh. Point is- it would have sounded ridiculous. Life has been "nautical" to coin a phrase from my favorite show "Deadliest catch" WHICH, I might add, I am thoroughly addicted to like crack due to its complete irrelevancy to anything in my own life. (Yes, in Laman's term-"running from my own life") Any-who, what that email did do is spark me to shove off the instinct to hide in my misery. (Mello-dramatic but who cares) I can't simply wait to blog until I have something good to blog about. Let's be honest here, we could be waiting forever. If I have a bad day or a bad week or a cynical thought pop into my head that needs expressing, (imagine that) I have the right to blog regardless of emotion status. That's my new rule. Having said that, there are good days and good times to be recognised. They may be few and far between but that's even more of a reason to give them their due acknowledgement.

When I started this blog it was with the intention of having an outlet that was not my every-day regular blog in which I am a wife and mother obligated to strive for positivity and progression, steering clear of any and all negativity and or "RAVING". This is my safe place where I am free to have and outlet for, let's just call it..."the Hyde side". (Oooh, that would have been a good name for my blog too!)-Maybe I will just make that the title of my book I'm going to write someday instead.~

Conspiracy Therory #1

IS THIS:

That somewhere out there exists a secret program available. A brainchild come to fruition straight from the movies "The Matrix and Inception". A state of being where one can live another life parallel in conjunction to what is actually taking place in reality.

For years, my mother has raved on about how other women must live an entire other life while she was sleeping because they seemingly are capable of accomplishing an unequal amount of tasks and priorities as compared to the "regular" amount of time given most people in a 24 hr day.

Now as a grown woman myself, I no longer scoff at the idea as I venture towards the same puzzling, panicked, and at times, INFURIATING conclusion.

For the most part, I consider myself to be a pretty high-paced, efficient person when it comes to getting things done. Having spent the majority of my 33 years being told to "slow down" or have more patience in other peoples natural cadence, it comes as a huge surprise when I find other women able to accomplish 5 times the amount of things that I do.-And, I. AM. FAST.

I know, I know..."Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbors TIME"

But I DO!!! I find myself unable to wrap my brain around the fact that people are capable of so much in such a short amount of time. It is logistically impossible to: cook all the meals, do all the laundry, scrapbook, nurse, blog, run errands, do homework, the photo's, the grocery shopping, chior, walk the dog, have a hobby, have a calling, read your scriptures, shower, bake the cake, make the costume, coupon, have FHE, exercise, email, work, sex, housework, facebook, school, doctors visits, lessons, dates, sewing, the list goes on and ON!!

But still, some women DO IT ALL. How is this possible?- It's not.

If only we had a way of splintering off from this dimension, and while being "plugged in" at night we were able to slip into an alternate universe where we could accomplish more and have it roll over to our present reality when we awake? -Thereby giving the impression that we are capable of much more than what makes logistical sense. -Not too crazy of an idea right?

So next time you find yourself feeling inferior about all the things that "so-and-so" is doing and you're trying to make sense of the vexation this causes you...

just remember...

perhaps 24 hrs...is not just 24hrs.

"Lemonade-Makers" Beware.

Today I needed advice, and the only person I felt like I could talk to is gone. I cycle through this scenario about once a day and I still have yet to figure out how to remedy that loss. I could start by waxing poetic about trials and perseverance or gush on about how endurance builds character but the reality is the past six months have been really brutal. After losing one of my favorite people in entire world and a woman I considered to be a second mother, it feels like it's going to take more than just "a few good days" to help me feel like we even remember the glimmer
of what "normal" use to be.

-Cancer sucks.

There's no two-ways about it. In this case, watching a vibrant, brilliant, woman, who had braved more than her share of horrific storms in her life, be whittled down to a feeble, sickly, suffering soul...was just about more that I could fathom. Death in general is such a terrible thing to deal with in all its variables and I'm sure that every person who experiences it in one form or another, feels that their situation is the worst possible scenario, so I won't say that ours was the most tragic or the most painful...but it is, nonetheless, ghastly in it's own right.

So I'm sorry I've been gone. I still don't quite know where I am, but my words and thoughts need a home until they can once again find the safe shelter of my sanity somewhere down this twisty ominous road we are on.

The following is a piece I wrote while spending a lonely night at my in-laws house last December during the holidays. It's raw and full of angst but it's how I felt and I needed to get it out...which is why I am now sending it out into the great void.

12-23-09

I can't sleep.

A bruised and battered rage lies dormant within the confines of my broken soul waiting...

enduring this new loss.

The darkness of the room envelopes me in a lonely void as I lay here missing Candy so desperately that my entire being aches. Each breath draws shorter than the last as the stifling reality of death grips me in it's increasing constrictive squeeze.

With every thought of what she went through , with the increasingly haunting knowledge of what we really lost, and the terrible way in which we've lost it, my heart feels like it wants to pound out of my chest and bleed itself dry as I sob away all the pain I feel inside.

Each tear shed, a memory of the gem I held in knowing her. My dreams like rain wash down over each day, one by one, slipping through my fingers, never to be lived out.

Her hope; her strength; her smile; her light....all vanished.

Nobody talks. No one wanting to remember.

Grief now owns the paths our hearts once freely roamed and gray is the solitary hue on this scene of sadness we now call home.

My anger is rendered useless by the crippling heartache that accompanies this still deniable reality- This woman that I so loved, this mother and teacher, wife and daughter, grandmother and friend - is gone. I am left only with heartbreak and questions;

Why us? Why her? Why now?

For years, I braved stormy seas and waded through the shallow eyes of empty souls, waiting...searching desperately for a heart like hers to enter my life and give direction to the insecurities and unknowns that lie in wait.

Why now is our time cut short just as that gift is found and the journey begun?

No more reassuring smile. No answers to be found.

Just silence....

and the mind-numbing ache as a mentor is lost.

Each day now lived as an empty chair to be filled....A loss to be endured.

-Evasive resolution that will never come.

Post-Baby Diet: Day 1

COMPLETED ONE HOUR WORKOUT:

10 min. procrastinating and figuring out which songs I wanted to "kick my trash" to on the IPOD,

30 min. cardio, and the ramianing

20 min. trying not the let the "Total-Gym" snap my frail Scottish frame. :P

Would it be in poor taste to swear right off the bat here??? Wow. So after almost a full year of no official exercise, I have attempted to get back on the horse and not BE the horse, by commiting to hit my condo-workout facility every day for the next 9 weeks. -My goal is to have the weight off, (30 lbs) by Thanksgiving..(just in time to turn around and stuff my face again for the holidays.- Great.)

I'm sure for many women who have traveled the bumpy road of childbearing, you already have come to an understanding of what I now, am apparently just figuring out. Simple math here folks: 4 is harder than 3 is harder than 2 is harder than 1. Losing weight after 4 kids is HAARRRRD!!! Pehaps it's getting older and being 32 means it's just that much more difficult I guess? Even the jump from 3 years ago when I had Austin has been a noticable difference now having Samuel. But I'm sure losing 2 babies in between certainly took it's toll me both physically and mentally. And I suppose I do have to cut myself some slack for the fact that technically this was my 6th pregnancy. But it really altered the way I viewed the whole thing, suddenly I didn't care about being skinny during pregnancy anymore....I just wanted so see my belly grow and have my baby live. Fortunately for me, they are both still thriving beautifully today :P

So now being on the otherside of all of it, I'm UBER-happy and UBER-busy which doesn't seem to be a good recipe for losing weight. It seemed to work much better "back in the day" when I could take all my rage and pain and take it out on the treadmill for 3 hrs....-Hence, losing nearly 50 lbs in the 2 1/2 months after Jason was born. Obviously I can think of about 10 much more healthy ways to lose weight than than many of the paths I've found success with before.-That being said, I'm now in the process of finding my new path. :)

I think being self-motivated is really important when losing weight simply because the individual is, in the end, really the only one that can control a durational pattern of success right? That's the idea on the show the "Biggest Loser" anyway. But even that is a skewed perspective becuase they all have perfect diets maped out for them, no kids, or errands, no lessons to get to, or grocerys to buy, no homework projects, or callings. Are you kidding? They have Jillian and Bob. I would LOVE to have Jillian or Bob, (leaning toward Bob on this one just because I don't really relish the thought of spending 6 hrs a day in the gym with Jillian screaming the "F-bomb" in my face- but that's just me.) I could do a lot with a million dollar gym at my disposal, with 24/7 trainers on hand, not to meantion a house full of people to compete with. -Fortunately, I don't fall into the category of needing to take "Biggest Loser" kind of measures to lose my amount of weight but still. -All I'm saying is that for the rest of us poor sapps out here, trying to count every carb, or wear a pedometer to work, use electic-shock devices, or drink our weight in detox-liquid diets, -might just have to work a bit harder to acheive the same desired results. Was that motivational or just really whiny? I think I meant it as both..."hee-hee." :->

Creepy Cat-food Guy

Okay, so Creepy-Cat-Food-Guy gets the grand honor of being my first official "Rave"- too bad he'll never get to enjoy the fame. :P

There are so many times in life when things or situations seem so clear to me yet I am constantly baffled at how oblivious other people can be when it comes to what I consider to be "common sense" type things....In addition, why does it always seem to be the the ones who "aren't getting it" are--in some way or another--creepy. -Take for instance my scenario in the check out lane at Albertson's late Thursday night. I'd gone out grocery shopping by myself for some "mommy time" (shouldn't it be at the spa if I'm using that term?) and it's about 1am when I start loading my groceries on the conveyor belt. The store is calm. No lines, or children screaming for bouncy balls, just me innocently loading my food out of the cart while listening to the Bee-Gees overhead. I put my things on, and proceed to hand her my coupons for that transaction and pull my empty cart forward so the bagger can load my bags in. As I do, I notice that the man standing behind me in line steps forward as though I'm done and it's his turn at the register. He has no groceries, only one, small can of cat food in his hand....okay, odd but oh well. The clerk continues to ring my items up one by one as I keep waiting for Creepy-Cat-Food-Guy to realize that my purchase is not finished and take that obligatory step back to a courteous distance...Alas, he does not. I can feel him just standing there staring. He didn't strike me as the type to be hitting on me, maybe gay-maybe not, -Whatever it is, I'm not too concerned at this point. Putting my overly analytical brain on hold for a moment, I am pricked with guilt for the fact that I am probably holding him up with all my coupons and that the feeling I'm getting are the daggers he's shooting at me while my back is turned. So I turn, give him a gracious "Thanks for being patient" kind of look. After all, I've only been at the register for maybe 2 minutes now so no big deal, but I'll be nice. I turn only to find him staring, not daggers, just...staring. Why won't he just step back??!! In my 2 second glace I immediately notice the odd quality that his head seems too large for his body,- like a bobble head figurine. 80's type clothing with a very yellow "Don Johnson-esq" hair style on a very NON-Don Johnson-esq face. Squinty eyes and tan, orange tan...too tan. Bleck. He then smiles the type of smile that you see on some 48hrs special about the guy who went around killing college co-eds. Yikes. So at this point he's standing about 2 ft behind me and to the left...about where Ryan would be standing if he were there...I wished he was there. "Beep...beep....beep...." She continues ringing up the last of my things and giving my my total. I reach for my wallet glancing back yet again to see if the " a little privacy please" look will work. -Nope. Instead it draws conversation. "So those coupons really save a lot huh?" He's says flashing the "creepy-guy" smile again. In an effort not to seem uncomfortable I engage in conversation. "Yeah, it does." At this point I delve into the genius of, product sale+store coupon+manufacturers coupon= big savings. He seemed genuinely interested and impressed that it was possible to save the $60 dollars the clerk just informed me was at the bottom of my receipt. He was very polite as we spoke and as I walked away pushing my cart, part of me felt guilty for analyzing (okay, judging) him. Perhaps he was just a quirky guy with a lack of ability to recognise standard social accommodations and was being kind enough to make conversation with the blurry-eyed, "Duggar- mom" standing at the register. - But as our insightful Ms. Bradshaw would say, "I couldn't help but wonder"...why the one can of cat food? It's not really a "one" type item you know? :You're BBQ-ing for dinner and realize you need mustard for the hot dogs..."Hey honey, will you run to the store and grab some mustard please?" = Random guy standing in line with just mustard. You're making cookies when you realise the vanilla is gone, or doing laundry and see that you're out of soap..etc. Are you seriously just at home and say..."Oh wow, Nipsy is out of food, I think I'll go to the store -at 1 in the morning- and get....one can." I mean, if it really was for his cat, (and I was seriously doubting any feline involvement at this point) why not buy at least a few cans to last you through to the end of the week??? -You know, till you can get to Wal-Mart and buy the cheap stuff in the case? Was it just a one-time purchase like for pet sitting? Was he just trying a new flavor and didn't want to stock up on something Nipsy doesn't like? Was he buying it to try on a dare? The questions are endless!!! And seriously...you're telling me he didn't have ONE other thing to pick up? "Oh yeah, I need shaving creme too." or "Hmm, I'll grab a Coke for tomorrow morning." ?? Nope---just one, tiny, (and I'm talking the little mini-size) can of gourmet cat food. --It was just ...creepy. The more I thought about it, the faster I pushed my cart. -All I knew is that I wanted to hurry out to my car before he came out. "LLLehhhck!!"- (shiver)

So the point? Have we become such a hurried society that we have forgotten the basic courtesy of unfamiliar distance? When a person is standing at the register, why can't people figure out, "how close is too close?" Especially men! Honestly, can they seriously not pick up on the fact that they are making a woman uncomfortable by standing too close? It should be a no-brainer. It's like the red line on the floor at the pharmacy they make you stand behind, forcing people to give others their space and privacy. I always like those.- I think they should put them at the checkout registers too....especially in Vegas. --
"Where is my protective HIPAA-Law saving me from Creepy-Cat-food-Guy when I need it?!!"

Chapter One

"Welcome... to the desert... of the real."

-Morpheus -"The Matrix"

Here at "The Rave" you will surely encounter many things, ideas, thoughts, opinions, stories, feelings, all for which I will make no excuses, or disclaimers for. I've had a number of people tell me over the past few months (in some form or another)-that I should be a writer which got me thinking. It's something I've always wanted to do...you know the whole "Carrie Bradshaw/Sex and the City" column that I wish I could write for some fabulous magazine or paper. Obviously that's not in the cards for my life. What is? A Blog. A place where I can talk. About what, you ask? Anything and everything...so reader beware. This is me.- For better or worse. :)

There are many instances when I am expressing my opinion or thoughts on a certain topic or event and my darling husband will refer to it and say, " You were raving..." If I am, I will be the first to own up to it...but most of the time I am actually not. I try to contain my more severe feelings and opinions for my inner-monologue so as not to offend the delicate nature of the male conversational pattern...HOWEVER. It is then that I calmly and gently remind him that if he would like me to REALLY rave, I will. - Thus, the blog is born.... Welcome to, "The Rave" ~